My original idea for this blog post was NOT this one; it was “the mental health benefits of crafting”. I went to write it, but something in my gut told me that I should start from the very beginning. So, that’s exactly what I am going to do! I am going to write a miniseries about my personal mental health journey, and I plan to end it with my original blog post idea. Here we go!

Trigger warning: depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation is covered in this post. If these things are triggering to you, please do not feel like you need to read this. You can skip this series, and that is completely fine. Do what is best for you and your mental health.

Let me start by saying that I suffer from major depression and anxiety. Looking back, I think it started in high school, but it was undiagnosed. I had a series of gastrointestinal issues that I thought only had to do with my gut, but after many tests and procedures, nothing abnormal was found. Doctors would ask me if I was nervous. I wasn’t consciously or noticeably nervous, so I would say no. In hindsight, though, I had a jam-packed schedule of school, work, sports, and church. I held myself to a very high standard in all of those things, and so I think I had underlying anxiety that manifested itself as stomach issues. I also had several events that happened within my personal life that I was dealing with, so it wouldn’t be surprising if I was depressed and anxious then, but I didn’t realize it.

Fast forward to college. My sophomore year, I started to get chronic migraines. I have had migraines since I was 7; they run in my family and I typically know how to treat mine, but this time, they were different. I had one nearly every day, and they were the debilitating kind. I’m talking light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, extreme head pain, and even vomiting. I went to doctors for this and was ultimately put on Gabapentin. It started to decrease my migraines, and I was very happy about that! However, I started to feel…off. The only way I could describe it to people was that “I don’t feel like myself.” Well, people didn’t know what that meant, and honestly, I couldn’t articulate it, so I just kept keeping on. I thought it might have been a side effect of the medicine, but since it was helping with my migraines, I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want to be taken off of it and for the migraines to return. This was around September of 2014.

Things got progressively worse. Even though I was newly engaged, doing well in college, and my migraines were fewer, I felt consistently sad and empty. I felt guilty for feeling this way since my life was going pretty well. I started having ruminating thoughts, social anxiety, and difficulty concentrating. I remember staring at my apartment room walls for hours on end. My then-fiancé (now husband) and I went to visit my family for Thanksgiving in 2014. My parents could tell right away that something was off, and I told them the same thing I had told many people…”I just don’t feel like myself.”

I had a follow up appointment with the pain doctor who prescribed me the Gabapentin. At this point, I was very anxious about driving because I felt so distracted. I felt it was unsafe for me to drive, but I couldn’t articulate that, so I was still driving. Anyways, I went to this appointment, told them the medicine was helping, and the nurse was about to walk out when I whispered, “um…I’ve been having suicidal thoughts.” She whipped around and said “What??” I repeated myself; she looked at me sternly and said “Don’t move. I’ll be right back.” She came back in with the doctor, whose son apparently had died by suicide not long before. The doctor had a psychiatrist on speed dial and was able to get me an appointment that same day. She said it was very important that I go to it. I said okay and promptly went back to my mom’s house and avoided the psychiatrist.

Let me say this…when you are deep in depression and anxiety, your thoughts are not rational. Also, I had a bit of an unhealthy stigma against mental health at the time. I thought to myself, “I’m not crazy. I don’t need to see a psychiatrist.” So, I told no one and I ignored the multiple calls from them, saying they were charging me $100 per missed visit. I still ignored it. Please know that I am NOT promoting this behavior; it was not good for anyone, but alas, it is what happened.

My mom eventually found out and took me to the psychiatrist. I brought the medicine with me because both my mom and I thought it may be side effects from that. She (the doctor) took the gabapentin from me and did an assessment. At first, she diagnosed me as suffering from psychosis, because I was really bad off by this point. My eyes were darting around, I would shake and pace, and I could barely speak in coherent sentences. She prescribed some medicine, and I was on a strict schedule of going to see her multiple times a week.

Things really came to a head when I stopped eating and would be constantly pacing. My mom came back from work to find me like that, not really able to respond to her, so she took me to the emergency room. They did several tests, but they all came back normal. My mom (and myself) were convinced that it was from the medicine, but by that time, it had been long enough that it was completely out of my system. They gave us papers on mood disorders and referred us to the same psychiatrist that I had been seeing.

If you recall, I had just come down to visit from college, which was about 5 hours away from my family. All I had brought with me was a small suitcase. However, once my parents saw how bad off I was, we decided that I would stay with them for the time being. I remember my mom saying that she didn’t feel comfortable with me driving, especially for 5 hours. So, all of my stuff was still in my college housing 5 hours away, and my fiancé had to go back without me because he was in college still, too. Thankfully, I was able to qualify for temporary disability and keep my college scholarships. I did have to drop out for a quarter, though, which was surreal.

My mom was a saint during this time. She used all of her PTO to take care of me. She had to be able to monitor me during the day because of my mental state. I continued to see the psychiatrist and eventually was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. She prescribed me medication for that, which ultimately ended up being the best thing for me. If you don’t know, finding the right type and dosage of mental health medication takes a while. I started the medicine that worked for me in January of 2015. It took about a month for it to “kick in”, but once it did, I felt glimmers of hope again. I could feel my old self coming back to me, slowly but surely. I started regaining my interests and began taking better care of myself. My personality started to come back to me, and I was no longer afraid of every little thing.

Now, I was still engaged through all of this. My fiancé (now husband) was a saint, too. He had to watch and support from a distance, since he was in college 5 hours away. He would often call me and check on me, even when I couldn’t say much to him in return.

I may or may not be crying as I write and remember this…once I started to essentially come back to life, I remember him saying, “I knew you were in there all along.” And it was true, y’all. It felt like a daze, but once I came out of it, I was able to describe what it was like. It felt like the real me was trapped in my own mind, and this different version of me took over. I was still in there, deep down, but I couldn’t communicate with the outside. I was so thankful to be “set free.”

Thankfully, I continued to progress, and by March, I felt 100% like myself again. That was good timing, because I was able to go back to college! Miraculously, I was able to keep my college housing (even though it was considered vacant), and I registered for classes over the phone. I stayed on my medicine and had telehealth appointments with that psychiatrist. Shane and I went on to be married in May of 2015. Things were going well again!

I would love to say that we lived happily ever after, but this is only part one, isn’t it?  Come back next week for part 2!

Thanks for reading! I know this is a heavy subject, but I hope by sharing this, I can relate to others who have gone through similar things. If you are struggling with your mental health, please know that the world is a better place with you in it. There are resources that are available to help you. I know it can be hard to reach out, but please let someone know what is going on.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

I appreciate you!

Katelyn