Welcome back to my mental health miniseries! This will be the final part of my personal mental health journey that I will be sharing. This story takes place from August of 2019 until the present (July 2022). If you haven’t read parts 1 and 2, go back and do that first! It will give context to this blog post.
TRIGGER WARNING: Depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation are covered in this article. If these topics are triggering to you, you may want to skip this blog post. Please do what is best for your own mental health.
Alrighty, so we left off in August of 2019. Shane and I moved from Pittsburgh, PA back to north central Louisiana after a traumatic event and another major depressive episode for me. After my episode in Pittsburgh, I started individual counseling and medication. It took several months for me to find the right type and dosage of medicine, but I did before we left PA. Obviously, I could not take my counselor and psychiatrist with me to Louisiana, so once we moved and got settled in, finding those professionals in our new town was the top priority.
Psychiatrists can be hard to find. I first got established with a primary care physician, and when I told her I was looking for someone to manage my medication and to find a regular counselor, she referred me to the mental health nurse practitioner at the same clinic. She told me that he could manage my medication and also counsel me, so I gave him a try. I wish I could say that it was great, and that I stuck with him, but that would be the opposite of the truth.
It was awful! This man was absolutely rude and condescending. He would not even look at me when he talked to me; he would just look at his computer. He was very aggressive when he would ask me questions, and he constantly threw out his own diagnoses, even though I clearly told him what mine were and what I needed.
I tried to tell him what happened in Pittsburgh, but he would only let me condense it into one sentence. Of course, that wasn’t enough for context, and he then promptly told me that I was delusional. When I brought up my concern about rapid weight gain since starting the medication, he accused me of binge eating disorder. I told him no, that I thought it had to do with the medicine, and that my diet wasn’t anything different than before. He pressed aggressively and said, “So you’ve never eaten more than you should have?” Well, of course I have, along with everyone else on earth!
When I would go to see him, he would ask me what was wrong. Nothing was pressing; I just wanted to talk and maintain my mental health. When I told him that, he rudely said, “Nothing is wrong? Well, there must be something wrong. Why else would you be here? Why are you even here?” I was very taken aback by that, and I did not feel emotionally safe with him. The last time I saw him, I gathered enough courage to tell him that I was the one who chose to see him, and I could and would choose to stop seeing him and find someone else. He subtlety threatened to force me to stay, citing that he could contain me if he thought I was a danger to myself or others. Which, for the record, I definitely was not. I voluntarily came to him for maintenance of my mental health. Once he did that, it was the last straw. I did not see him again and started looking for different providers. Don’t stop reading here! It gets better!
I say all this for two reasons. First, it’s true and part of my story. Second, I want you to know that you may not find the right provider for you the first time. Please do not feel like you need to stay with a provider, just because they have a degree or seem to know better than you. It is important to find the right fit for you so that you can make progress. I was not progressing with this man; I was actually getting worse. So, with the help of my friends and family, I cut off that professional relationship. There was hope, though! I did end up finding the right providers for me. I’ll explain how I did that now!
I used a great resource called Psychology Today. I was able to type in my zip code and search for counselors and psychiatrists in my area. The website has full profiles of professionals and tells you their specialties, where they are located, and even insurance and payment options. I found a wonderful counselor just a few minutes from my house, and we totally clicked! I have been seeing her for about two years now. I told her about my need for a psychiatrist, and thankfully, she had a professional relationship with one that is about thirty minutes away from my town. He is a bit quirky (I mean, what psychiatrist isn’t?), but he truly cares, and he is very respectful. I have been seeing him for about the same time, and I am very happy with both my counselor and my psychiatrist!
So, let’s talk about why I still see mental health professionals, 3 years out from my last depressive episode. If you recall from part 1 of my mental health journey, I weaned off of medication and stopped counseling. It wasn’t long after that that I had another, worse, major depressive episode. In the opinion of my current professionals, I need to continually maintain my mental health through therapy and psychiatry. My psychiatrist, who has been practicing for nearly 40 years, has told me that he has seen people get off of their medication once they are feeling better, and then “crash and burn.” That isn’t everyone, of course, but in his opinion (and mine), I will need to stay on my medication for the foreseeable future.
I have counseling appointments every two weeks for maintenance. It is really helpful for me, as an Enneagram 2 (the helper) and empath, to have a relationship where nothing is expected from me in return, as far as emotional support. It is refreshing and necessary for me to be able to solely talk about myself and my life with someone whose job it is to listen and offer wise counsel. In my opinion, therapy is not reserved only for major traumas…for me, it is for maintenance, and there is no shame in that.
I have psychiatrist appointments every two months. When I visit him, he asks me important questions regarding my thought life and mood, as well as medical questions concerning my medication and side effects. He also monitors my weight, and he will help me manage my medication when we want to start a family.
That’s where I land now! In my case, it is very important for me to stay on top of my mental health to prevent future major depressive episodes. I am grateful to have caring mental health providers to help me along the way. I will continue on with this plan unless something changes!
If there is one thing that I want you to take away from this miniseries, it is this: If you are struggling with your mental health, please let someone know and reach out for help. I know how hard it can be, trust me.
But, if I hadn’t asked for help, I might not have made it this far.
I might not have gotten to the other side and seen the hope, joy, and wonderful life that was ahead of me.
I would have robbed many people of the knowledge that they are not alone.
I would not have been able to share my story and to inspire hope.
I don’t regret what I’ve been through, and I don’t have any shame, at least not anymore. Counseling definitely helped with that! One of my favorite writers, Stephanie May Wilson, says in her prayer journal The Between Places that “When you walk through something hard in life, you are uniquely gifted to jump in that particular hole the next time someone falls in.” I definitely believe this is true, and that my suffering was not in vain. My depressive episodes were the darkest seasons of my life, but in hindsight, I wouldn’t change those experiences. Especially not if my story helps even one person; that would make it all worth it.
I know firsthand how hard it can be to find reliable, caring mental health professionals. I will link a few helpful resources below in case you are struggling to find some for yourself. I’ll also link Stephanie’s prayer journal! I have used it and it was very helpful for me.
Thanks for reading! This concludes the story of my mental health journey, so far at least! I appreciate you taking the time to read this and to connect with me on a deeper level. My prayer is that my story can bring hope to even one person. That’s why I share it.
I appreciate you!
Katelyn
Suicide Prevention Hotline: call 9-8-8
Psychology Today – Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist
The Between Places by Stephanie May Wilson – The Between Places | A prayer journal for seasons of uncertainty – Stephanie May Wilson Shop